Hello. Professor Bostrom-Moaning from the British Linguahorn Institute of Modern Languages here. A lot of people say to me “Professor, is that tomato soup on your shirt?” However, an even larger number of people say to me “I’m no good at learning languages”. If you’re one of those people, then help is at hand in the form of my revolutionary new language-learning method!
2) Speak at a high volume?
If the answer to both those questions is “Yes I can!” then you have all you need to speak any language! By following my patented method of “Pointing And Shouting” you’ll soon be speaking foreign in next to no time.
Here are some of the phrases you’ll soon be learning:
English: Can I have a croissant please?
French: Doesn’t the bread look funny Margaret? HELLO……DO…YOU….DO….SANDWICHES? (Combine this with pointing at a selection of bread and meat items)
English: I’d like to request your consent for taking your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Dutch: MY…….WIFE? (Combine with pointing at the lady in question)
English: I admire the quality of stitching in those trousers.
Russian: (This requires no shouting, simply a carefully placed point. This isn’t an advisable phrase to tackle for beginners though and it is difficult to execute correctly. If performed inappropriately, the pointer may have to prepare themselves for a brief spell sampling the culinary output of a prison kitchen.)
But don’t just take my word for it! Just listen to these personal testimonials:
“After just three weeks of the Professor’s course, I found I had the confidence to point at absolutely anything!”
“With the Professor’s revolutionary technique of “Pointing And Shouting” I managed to claim Finland for the British!”
Brigadier Henry Relic
Order my Language Pack today for £38.99! Contains a phrasebook and an audio CD, available in a selection of decibel levels. Choose from “Welsh Male Voice Choir”, “Brian Blessed With His Fingers Trapped In A Door” or “Ian Paisley With A Point To Prove”.
Professor Arthur Bostrom-Moaning is currently helping police with their enquiries.