Eat Yourself Fatter With Foghorn!

……and the ironic thing is that his wife survived in the end. Oh hello, didn’t see you come in. I’m noted celebrity chef Heston Services (nr London). I’m taking a break from coming up with bonkers recipes at my restaurant (‘The Choking Pheasant’) and have teamed up with British Foghorn Fads & Crazes Limited to prepare my special ‘Eat Yourself Fatter With Foghorn’ diet!

Do you feel uncomfortable with the cavernous gap between you and the door frame when you walk through a doorway? Do you wish speak-your-weight machines would make hilarious jokes along the lines of ‘No coach parties, please’ when you step on them? Well, help is at hand in the form of my specially prepared British Foghorn diet!

Weekdays

Breakfast:
Deep fried Sunday roast

Lunch:
Beef Wellingtons (using my exclusive ‘shoe’ pastry)
Or
Sun-dried bucket of lard topped with caramelised chocolate fudge cake

Evening meal:
Beefburger tikka jalfrezi and family keema naan
Followed by
Chicken Wuerbeniuk served on a mattress of mashed potato and tripe
Followed by
Death by gammon



Weekend
It’s the weekend – you deserve a treat! Go on, you’ve earned it after doing so well all week.

Breakfast:
One of my specially prepared deliciously thick ‘Cement And Bacon Shakes’

Lunch:
Horse in a bap
Or
Thermos flask of vodka and 16 pints of mild

Evening meal:
Hot butter soup (served with popcorn croutons)
Followed by
Every item from a ‘Wimpy’ menu
Followed by
Baked steak and hake cake (topped with Cadbury’s Flake)


Just two weeks of this and you’ll see the pounds pile on! Or die. One of the two. If you do shuffle off this mortal coil though, it’s not our fault so you can keep your litigation and grubby little lawsuits to yourself.