ENDANGERED SPECIES UPDATE

We here at the British Foghorn Company are particularly concerned with the conservation of some of our rarer species. To this end, we bring you the latest update from SPORSA (The Society for the Protection of Really Stupid Animals):

The Egyptian Doubting Lizard (Dubius Lacerta)

Its inability to form a substantive opinion of threats has left this lizard high on the endangered list. Scientists believe that the key predators of this scaly idiot succeed due to the tendency of the lizard to ‘not believe’ that there is any real danger when they approach. Its distinctive cry of ‘Naaaah’ also helps to identify it.

The Nominated Mongoose (Galerella Singularis)

Although not truly a sub-species of it’s own, this name is given to the Mongoose that is ‘elected’ by a pack of Mongooses to do all the admin work and speak to people who come to the door, or behind the desk when they’re returning things to Argos or Pound-Stretcher. Mongooses are notoriously shy when meeting new people and seem to have developed this unusual behaviour to compensate for this very fact. The Nominated Mongoose is endangered as its role also encompasses being the one who sticks its head out of the nest to see if everything’s okay.

The Croquette Pig (Porcus Caseus)

A freak of evolution has left this pig at a distinct disadvantage to its porcine brethren, as its natural milk often curdles in its guts producing a hard-to-acquire, but extremely tasty cheese. The main food for this species of pig is wheat kernels, which it strips from the stalk and then breaks open by rolling around on the kernels. Unfortunately this leaves the pig’s skin with an unnatural, almost ‘breadcrummy’ texture. Combine this with the cheese contents of the gut and you soon discover that the reason this pig is endangered is due to it’s being extremely tasty when roasted.