Thursday, 13 August 2009

Tourist attractions

British Foghorn (York Branch) can't help but notice the massive influx of tourists arriving in York in the summer months. Visiting a new city can be a confusing experience, so to help out anyone who may be thinking of visiting York in the next few months the pick of the tourist attractions are listed below:

Celebrate the lives of some of York’s most famous sons and daughters, brought to life through stunningly accurate waxwork recreations. Enter the ‘Hall Of Disappointment’, containing the world’s largest collection of Steve McLaren waxworks! Visit the ‘Seven Sheds Of Shed Seven’ – seven garden sheds each containing a lovingly recreated tableaux of the band performing their hit single ‘Going For Gold’! Meet Dench-o-tron – a 20ft tall animatronic waxwork of Dame Judi Dench with laser beam eyes!
(MADAME TWOSPOONS regretfully announces that Dench-o-tron is currently unavailable as it recently turned feral and was last seen heading towards Selby dressed as Queen Victoria. If you see Dench-o-tron, please back away slowly and avoid making any sudden movements.)

JORVIK SUPERMARKET CENTRE: Experience what life must have been like for people visiting a supermarket in 1986! Get ready to don your apron and travel in specially designed cars up and down the aisles of this branch of Morrisons, recreated to look the way it would have done back in ye olde 1986! Imagine a land before Pop Tarts! Breathe in the authentic smells of the deli counter! Buy some Opal Fruits in the gift shop!

LOCAL RAILWAY MUSEUM: Founded by embittered ex-employees of the National Railway Museum, the Local Railway Museum is a small affair containing a ‘Thomas The Tank Engine’ Hornby train set and some photos of one of the staff members holidaying on the North York Moors Railway. Take the guided tour and hear how ‘Mallard isn’t all it’s cracked up to be’!

In 1605, notorious gunpowder plot conspirator Guido De Lombard used this tower as his hideout until one night he vanished without trace, leaving only a bloodstained codpiece and a shoe. Rumour has it that Guido’s ghost still stalks the tower, avenging the terrible events of that fateful evening. Come and take the tour if you dare! But what’s that noise? Is that Guido coming back for one final act of vengeance? Well, seeing as we’ve made up the character of Guido to fool particularly gullible American tourists, probably not. It’s more likely to be the plumbing.

1 comment:

  1. Bah! Dench-o-tron not available again!
    This is intolerable. I shall be holidaying in Scunthorpe to salve my disappointment.