Hi. My name is Jack Huntingman. You'll probably know me from my hit TV series, “Jack Huntingman is Hunting Man”. If you don't, well then, I don't want to know you. I was raised in the wilds of Norfolk and learned to survive on eels and moorhens. I spent three months living in a nest in Oulton Broad. Why? Because I could. I want to invite you, city boy/woman/OAP, to join me on an exclusive Huntingman retreat, where I will teach you all the skills you need to survive in extreme situations and high-powered business meetings.
Some of the skills you will learn, probably, are:
TRACKING – how to identify MICE, VOLES and other FURRY LITTLE GITS. These squeaky little bastards have had it TOO GOOD for TOO LONG. You'll learn how to find them and knacker them up, proper like.
NESTING – You won't always have a tent with you when you need protection from the elements. I'll teach you how to weave a nest out of bullrushes and your own spit.
COMMUNING – Be one with nature and nature will be one with you. Swim with the fishes. Then catch the fishes and poke their cold eyes out of their faces. I hate you, you steely-minded aqua-devils!
HUNTING – Everyone should know how to track and kill animals for food. Especially if you're going into high-powered business meetings like I sometimes do, if I'm striking a new TV deal, or visiting a lawyer or surgeon. There's loads of ducks in Norfolk. Too many. Together we'll wipe the smiles of their stupid beaked faces. With guns!
FORAGING – We don't do this. You can't gather berries with guns, so why bother?
So, if you're like me and you want to know how to tame the environment and make it work for you, especially during high-powered business meetings, then join me, Jack Huntingman on my exclusive Huntingman retreat. We'll meet nature HEAD ON, then kick the shit out of it.