Monday, 26 September 2011

The mysterious story of Menlove Cappelmeister

In a recent intriguing news story we learnt all about Menlove Cappelmeister – the young man who wandered into a police station in Peebles claiming to have lost his memory. Subsequent police investigation failed to uncover any details of his life and he was finally referred to stage-hypnotist and party-wizard, Henry Le Grande. Most of what was revealed was either (a) too shocking or (b) too dull to repeat here – but finally, British Foghorn Investigations can reveal the key features of Cappelmeister’s story.

“I think I was born in Bonn. My mother was a water-diviner and my father merely a shadowy figure who would leave hastily scrawled notes at the end of my bed, saying things like ‘You divvy’ and ‘Why don’t you get a shave, you ponce?’. I was five years old.

I remember being taken to a local school in our three-wheeled car. It was supposed to have four wheels, but one fell off when we hit that dog. I stood in the corner for the first week. I hadn’t misbehaved, but no-one had told me to do anything different. I discovered I was allergic to chalk and couldn’t complete maths problems on the board without throwing up.

It was at the age of twelve that I remember first meeting Harrison. He wouldn’t give me any more of his name, but he was a brute of a man and would regularly punch down brick walls when they wouldn’t answer him. He was a knob, but he helped me complete my project on the Water Cycle and I was given a gold star.

Harrison took me from my parents, who no longer cared and spent all their days in bed drawing pictures of milk bottles. We went to live in the woods and he taught me how to gouge my initials into the back of a bear without it noticing. Also mushrooms.

It was 1985 when Harrison finally revealed himself to be the Druid King of Canterbury, but this time I’d had enough of his wild fantasies and I slew him with his own sickle. Disgusted with myself for this act, and my subsequent wearing of his skin, I decided to report to the authorities. It was then that I fell.

The rest is blackness.”

*** STOP PRESS *** Relevant police authorities have now matched Menlove Cappelmeister’s details against a missing persons report filed in February of 1973. His birth name is Derek Glover and he is an idiot.

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