After years of meticulous research,
historical analysis and sandwiches, British Foghorn Sciences Division can
present the results of these various studies into WOMEN. Here are our ten most
important findings:
1. Most women are very powerful. An average
woman can cause ants to explode simply by thinking about them, and the
strongest women can split a tree in half with their earlobes.
2. Contrary to popular belief, women
have never had beaks. They have, however, through evolution lost their third arm
which was used for weaving, indicating danger, hod-carrying and fun.
3. The smallest woman ever recorded
was Miss Elsie Spanners, who was 3” of pure Lancashire Grit.
4. Women have never been recorded
performing music. The Spice Girls were entirely computer generated, and The
Shirelles were actually Booker T and The MGs in drag. Helen Shapiro was an
ectoplasmic manifestation of Cliff Richard’s dreams.
5. Britain’s first female prime
minister was Sir Alec Douglas-Home in 1963.
6. Until 1975, “Women” were the
official 4th emergency service and could be reached by dialing 999, stating
clearly the nature of the emergency, and asking for “A Woman”.
7. Women feature in a number of
works of literature, most notably “Scotch On The Rocks” by Douglas Hurd and “The
Nine Wardrobes” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (where Dr. Watson famously exclaims
“A woman? Good god, Holmes!”)
8. In China, when meeting a woman
for the first time it is traditional to give her your shoelaces as a mark of
respect.
9. Until 1932, women were only
allowed to compete in two Olympic events - Synchronised Hearth Sweeping and
Weightlifting
10. Women are famous for their hats.
All female children are born in some form of bonnet, which they shed at the age
of 13. These discarded infant-hats are highly sought after by Japanese
collectors who will pay up to £18 for them.
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