Monday, 18 February 2013

The Science of Women

After years of meticulous research, historical analysis and sandwiches, British Foghorn Sciences Division can present the results of these various studies into WOMEN. Here are our ten most important findings:

1. Most women are very powerful. An average woman can cause ants to explode simply by thinking about them, and the strongest women can split a tree in half with their earlobes.

2. Contrary to popular belief, women have never had beaks. They have, however, through evolution lost their third arm which was used for weaving, indicating danger, hod-carrying and fun.

3. The smallest woman ever recorded was Miss Elsie Spanners, who was 3” of pure Lancashire Grit.

4. Women have never been recorded performing music. The Spice Girls were entirely computer generated, and The Shirelles were actually Booker T and The MGs in drag. Helen Shapiro was an ectoplasmic manifestation of Cliff Richard’s dreams.

5. Britain’s first female prime minister was Sir Alec Douglas-Home in 1963.

6. Until 1975, “Women” were the official 4th emergency service and could be reached by dialing 999, stating clearly the nature of the emergency, and asking for “A Woman”.

7. Women feature in a number of works of literature, most notably “Scotch On The Rocks” by Douglas Hurd and “The Nine Wardrobes” by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (where Dr. Watson famously exclaims “A woman? Good god, Holmes!”)

8. In China, when meeting a woman for the first time it is traditional to give her your shoelaces as a mark of respect.

9. Until 1932, women were only allowed to compete in two Olympic events - Synchronised Hearth Sweeping and Weightlifting

10. Women are famous for their hats. All female children are born in some form of bonnet, which they shed at the age of 13. These discarded infant-hats are highly sought after by Japanese collectors who will pay up to £18 for them.

British Foghorn Sciences is a division of The British Foghorn Company, sole proprietors and chairmen, Robert ‘Erstwhile’ Charnock and Paul ‘Paul?’ Abbott. This research was paid for by a grant from the Kenny Loggins Bureau of Lady Studies.

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