By anyone’s measure of history, 1876 was indeed an event-filled year. It also holds the distinction of being the weirdest year in history, with many of the most notable occurrences reading as though they had fallen from the fever-dreams of the most doped-up goons that ever put pen to paper and then freaked out because the pen appeared to turn into a tube of rotten chicken flesh and the paper kept calling them ‘sir’.
Despite that, the British Foghorn Company would like to pick out some of the key events of 1876. We recommend you use this information wisely. For example, to win a bet or humiliate an acquaintance.
February - The Third Carlist war begins in Spain. This war was prompted by the third attempt by a man named Carl to take over vast swathes of the basque region. Carl was in fact a retired gun-straightener from Ypres whose proposed regime for Spain was one of total celibacy, shoe doubt and all the oranges he could eat.
March - The first telephone call is made by Alexander Graham Bell, the wacky Scots inventor. The second telephone call was made the following day to a sex hotline by Bell’s lonely, disappointed wife.
July - Serbia and Montenegro declare war on Turkey. Turkey, feeling a bit picked on and left out, declares war on the moon and the spends the majority of the public-purse on developing a giant rocket-powered Turkish Slipper in order to fly there. A week later everyone had made up and there was never, ever any conflict involving any of these nations (or the moon) ever again.
2 August - Wild Bill Hickock dies. Recent re-examination of his story and x-rays of his grave reveal that, rather than travelling as an entertainer based on his gun-toting reputation, he worked as Wild Bill Hiccup, after downing 13 pints of ginger-beer as a bet whilst on a bender in Kansas City. (He had lost a bet to a knife-throwing dwarf).
29 December - The death of Titus Salt (Inventor of Salt, co-creator of the Salt & Vinegar combination and nothing at all to do with pepper.)